Dear Rosebush

Dear Tabitha,

I’m a recovering, 40-something soccer mom with three beautiful children, a career, and a new-found attitude. I’m re-discovering my artistic sensibilities and my sexuality. I’ve recently come out as enthusiastically pansexual and have taken on a bright-colored retro vibe with my clothing and hair—no more ugly mom jeans. I’m eager to date and find some physical joy with like-minded people. But, Tabitha, I’ve been in a bubble for so long, and I just have to ask:  What’s the etiquette with pubic hair and hookups these days?  Are there different rules with different genders? Am I pandering to misogynistic notions of infantilizing sexualization if I go for a full-Brazilian? Am I ill-mannered to expect oral sex without one? 

Help!-A thorny rosebush in Rose City

My Darling Rosebush,

First and foremost, allow me to congratulate you on your newfound discoveries and this next chapter in life you are so boldly embarking upon. Tonight I am pouring another martini in your honor as I celebrate this journey and joyously await all the thrilling experiences soon coming your way. Sidenote: I am sure, indubitably so, that you rocked those mom jeans fabulously. Be kinder to yourself, you pansexual treasure, you.

Your question is not uncommon and spurs a debate that has existed for many a hairy century: to shave (or wax) or not to shave. My answer is simple my sweet, sweet, thorny rosebush. You tend to that gorgeous hedge however you damn well please. If you love it wild and free, albeit slowly encroaching your southerly kneecaps, ride kitty, ride. If you are partial to highly polished hardwood floors, bring on the Swiffer. Your garden need please only one person and that person is YOU. Full stop.

If your partner states they will only interact with your sexy lawn if it is mowed, proceed to remove them from your life because that is, as the kids would say, WHACK.  It is not you who is ill-mannered to expect oral sex without a Brazilian if you do not wish to wax. Nothing is sexier than being yourself. There is nothing more important in the bedroom than individuality, confidence, and consent. Or kitchen. Or yard. Wherever the mood strikes.

Your cave of wonders should let only the most worthy enter. Do not waste your time on ignorant suitors who wished its entrance had been visited by a tender machete. Or those who lament its lack of foliage. You have spent too many years unacquainted with your true self to waste time trying to please others with anything less than the blooming rosebush you are. You, as we all do, deserve to be exactly yourself, whatever that may be, whatever that may look like. Anyone who does not stop to smell your roses and enjoy the intoxication of your bloom, is simply not worth your time.

I wish you all the luck and happiness on your future hookups and that your sweet garden, mowed or not, is the garden that YOU desire—share it only with those deserving of its magic.

Cordially,

Tabitha